"When it feels too painful

 I smash my broken heart of gold."

And if you recognise that phrase, I can safely assume you have either watched Rurouni Kenshin : The Final, or you heard of One Ok Rock's most recent song, "Broken Heart of Gold" (which is available in its usual International version i.e. full English, and also Japanese version).

While I had not watched the movie, I am currently hooked on this song. Not too sure why but I have recently been feeling this indescribable feeling of wanting to give up on life, coupled with the uncertainty and confusion of not knowing where I am going. So, I can safely say this song seems pretty much like a sign from the universe, to appear at this moment.

I am lucky enough to not feel suicidal, however, I do feel tired. Really tired of whatever is happening. Sometimes I just want a 'pause' button for life, to take a breather from everyone and everything around me. Just a 2 to 3 days silence. Not talking to anyone, not communicating with anyone, not dealing with everything. But I guess in a world where everything is all about connectivity, this shall remain a wishful thinking. Then have to manage the fragility of other humans.

Well, that's that. Random expression of thoughts and feelings over. Moving on with actually dissecting and understanding the song:

The piano intro starts with chords and some solitary notes here and there, works wonderfully well to ease the listener into the song, then the vocal starts coming in together with the synthesiser, bass and guitar. At the chorus, then only the drums become apparent. Thereafter, it is a complete masterpiece where the listener feels completely immersed and hangs on to every note, every beat, every word and every 'explosive' moments. Then it ends with some bass and guitar, and some super light snare(?).

While I think this song does not fully release each member's capability, as in, everyone still seems to be holding back instead of going all out, yet, perhaps because this is a ballad, hence that's why? But again, just a guess and personal opinion.

What I can commend this song for is that all members blend really well together and bring out their own aspects to the song.

Of course, the mixer, producer and all technical hands do play a part in making sure this song comes out well, so, I would still say kudos and great job to everyone!

Now, the biggest part and most significant part, the lyric(am going to go with the full English version):

I move along, something's wrong, I guess, a part of me is gone.
Skies are grey, starts to fade, I guess, I threw it all away.
Sometimes I just wanna quit, tell my life I am done with it, when it feels too painful.
Sometimes I just wanna say, I love myself but not today, when it feels too painful.
I smash my broken heart of gold x 2
Tired soul, dying hope, I guess, I am running out of road, I guess, I got nowhere.
Sometimes I just wanna quit, tell my life I am done with it, when it feels too painful.
Sometimes I just wanna say, I love myself but not today, when it feels too painful.
I smash my broken heart of gold x 3
Feels like I am dying, feels like I am lying to myself, I know I am trying, but it feels like, I am in hell
I am in hellllllllllllll~~
Sometimes I just wanna quit, tell my life I am done with it, when it feels too painful.
Sometimes I just wanna say, I love myself but not today, when it feels too painful.
I smash my broken heart of gold x 3

(Yes, in the style of a classic idiot, I forgot there is an official lyric video version and only realised once I typed everything out. Good practice to listen I guess, oh well, what is done is done.)

So, yes, it somehow feels depressing yet motivating at the same time. Honestly, I like the song still. Like, it acknowledges life is tough, living is tough, it is ok to break down once in a while, eventually just toughen up and just keep going. 

I guess it is kinda like, having a heart of gold wears you out, and maybe, just maybe, break it for a while, and while you pick up the pieces and recover, you become a stronger and better person? What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, right? RIGHT??!!

Well, one more interesting thing is that, the band currently does not have any Music Video for the song and are accepting submission of videos to be used as their Official Music Video. So, creative folks, seeking breakthrough folks, bored folks, curious folks, and anyone who would like to try, the end date for submission of your creation is 30th June 2021.

I personally don't have an idea for the Music Video yet, maybe I just want to enjoy being a consumer of the performing arts, so, less one competitor here. XD

There you go, folks:

NEVER. GIVE. UP!

(Now, I am not a professional critic or anything, heck, I don't even have a good listening ear, but hey, at least I tried and best of all, I am not afraid to be wrong, cause that's where I get to learn, if anyone corrects me la.)

Theme park madness!!!

(Back in 2014 apparently)

Theme park in question is none other than Times Square's indoor theme park! Where rides threaten to turn your innards inside-out and upside-down! And all these while, I thought it is only powerful enough for secondary school kids. Imagine a bunch of 20/21 years old being pawned by the rides! Of course, we also played some gentler ones to calm ourselves down, once in a while. :P

First ride up, the Ooort's Express which goes in a circular motion, and with some physics logic involved, will always push passengers to go outwards. So yeah, the heavier ones, please sit outside, so at least you get to cushion others(?). XD This ride is quite a nice one to just go round and round and round. It is quite a good warm-up to the other rides since it is not really scary, just a little fast. But the circular motions really won't do much harm. Or any, at all.

The next one is actually a silent killer. To quote one of us, he said, 'wah, looks like a romantic ride' when we were still on ground, but when we go up the ride, he sounded like he was freaking shitting in his pants and totally terrified. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you Spinning Orbit, which brings you all the way to the peak of the theme park and rotates in a fairly fast motion, but not breakneck speed, of course. But still fast enough to feel the breeze and cool air. WARNING : If you are scared of heights (google the scientific name or the actual word yourself >.<), you might want to skip on this. Unless you want to focus on the ceiling view or eye-level scenes.

I pretty much can't recall anymore of the riders but what I will say is this, every second, every minute, every hour spent in the theme park, which a group of friends, that remain close-knitted even after going on their separate path after 5 years or so, remains to be one of the best memory in my life. I may have forgotten what happened but the sheer memory of it is enough to fill me with joy, warmth and maybe, melancholy. 

Bumping in the Night

*super delayed post ahead

On a summer's night, is there any better way to give yourself the chills than ghost stories? Nope, none in my opinion. Which is why, on 21st June 2014, I attended Bump in the Night session, which is part of the Cooler Lumpur Festival for 2014(Theme: #Fast) and scared myself silly! >.<

Can you imagine, listening to ghost stories at night?? Yeap, GHOST STORIES. At NIGHT(precisely 11.59pm to 1.00am (or sometime around then)). And the stories were told by, in this order, Patrick Teoh, Susan Lankaster and Kamini Ramachandran, and I really got spooked out by them!! And that was after I try my best not to imagine or picture what is happening through their story-telling, but they are so good that even that method of mine failed!

Patrick Teoh started off the night with a story from a male adult perspective, presumably mid-twenties to somewhere in the early-thirties(my forgetfulness had kicked in!), returning home after a long time away and was reminiscing about his neighbourhood and house, until he finds it odd that his mother covered all the windows with black paper. Turns out, there was a park nearby his house, where a little girl was killed after being lured by the promises of red balloons. It would seem that the little girl has been going house to house, asking for the promised red balloons. Throughout the story, the little girl's last memories were unfolded and the male adult finally decided to grant her last wish, so that she can move on. However, it was this move of his that ultimately ended his mother's life.

The next story, told by Susan Lankaster, is the spookiest one of them all. And the subsequent one told by Kamini Ramachandran was less scary but still in the same tone.

However, since Procrastination took over me, I no longer remember the stories, which a big fat shame on my part, and for that I apologise.

Nevertheless, I remain hopeful that I get to enjoy this session in the future.

Restoration, Resurrection, and Revival

Title pretty much sums up what this post is about, really.

4 years and more had passed since I last wrote anything here. However, recent conversations and what is happening around the world, made me realised that I do miss the moment of just letting my thoughts flow and fingers running wild. Of course, with that said, it does not mean I removed the brain-to-mouth filter but perhaps, just perhaps, I remove self-censorship and express myself without being prompted or asked. One thing for sure, to keep rantings to a minimum and only a one-liner in each post, if any.

Now, memory test of a fraction of what had happened since my last post:

1. Became older by 5 years (Duhhhhhh)

2. Learnt great lessons from 4 idiots (at different timing, of course!)

3. Changed job 3 times (with no breaks in between, at all)

4. Enrolled for 2 classes (Japanese and Date Selection)

5. Switched company 1 time

6. Made the transition from keypad phones to fully touchscreen phones (only because the distributor stopped selling that brand in my country)

Well, quite sure there are more but I guess these are my personal highlights from the past few years, the ups and the downs, the good and the bad and whatever else.

Not sure if I should credit Lady Fortunate, but I experienced the most growth in the career aspects, with all the sacrifices of not enjoying a proper "uni life" and coming out to work at a fairly immature age working out just fine now. Definitely not going to rest on my laurels, since I have, about 30 years left till retirement. Way too early to slow down or go easy on myself, especially when I have this unlimited capacity to grow and learn. Maybe the only blocker in my path is wanting to enjoy life a little; stopping by to smell random flowers and weed (hey, even grass have its own smell, ok? Don't believe me, next time pluck a grass and rub it between your fingers, there will be a lingering scent), listen to birds chirping and twitting (when they might be exchanging plans on whose head to poop on), or experience some peace and quiet in the open space rooftop area, catching a nap or two.

On the personal front, think my growth is less exponential. While I am still single AF with questionable suitors in line, I shall just take this time to develop myself, and put MYSELF first while helping others in times of need. Whatever happens, happens. Ain't gonna force, ain't gonna pressure.

Back to helping others, at times, what they want may not be the best for me but I shall be contented as long as they end up happy. Where I draw the line is when whatever they decide for themselves is going to turn out detrimental to themselves. At that point, what I will do is to highlight the pitfalls of their actions and the final outcome and yet, I still will not forbid them to pursue what they intended. I guess at the end of the day, I just wish and hope everyone finds their happiness, regardless if I am part of the happiness journey or ending. Perhaps this was one of the many great lessons I learnt from the 4 idiots but, I am glad the lessons happened. Made me a tad wiser and conscious of the fickleness of the human heart (not that I didn't know before but this really opened up my eyes and drilled the lesson deep).

With that said, while I know blogs are mainly thing of the past, that is not a massive blocker in coming back here to resurrect this part of my life. And my words may or may not be seen by another, but at least, I do justice to myself by letting the random fleeting creativity that attacks me gets released, one way or the other. This definitely not the last of me and the revival is only starting. :)